changing expectations

my dad asked for a christmas list from me today. it amuses me. every year he asks for a list and i'm not really sure my gift comes from it. i tend to include absolutely ridiculous items on it. original art, q-tips, chairs for my dining room, gum, a scooter, something that dazzles. i suppose i could be more helpful with my options. it's just that something happens for me around the holidays where i grow sinister and sarcastic (okay, it's in me more than the holidays, but december really brings it out).

it's been a strange many weeks for me though. i keep wondering when things are just going to feel normal again. work has been stressful. if one were to take a ride along the road here, they would likely feel nauseated from the curves, the high and the low points of the drive. my boyfriend has been distant lately too. we were on this great ride and hit a bump, and just can't seem to get back to our comfortable dance steps again. i feel lonely. my time with friends changed quite a bit over the last year and i have not spent as much time with them. and i quit doing yoga or being conscientious of my health. so all and all....it's been an off time for me.

but a lightbulb came on for me in the wee hours of the night on sunday. i found myself wondering... what is it i want. what is it that pushes me beyond the scattered wasteland of everyday mundane thoughts, into the imaginations and expectation of intensely living presently? (whew) perhaps this answer will sound trite, as it does to me, but i realized this: what i want is the excitement and fullness my own energy surging. to feel insanely alive and hopeful. before, i felt secure. i felt secure and connected to all things. i felt confident and strong about who i am. i felt unafraid of others and what they think of me. i felt like a woman who could walk into any moment without hesitation. and i felt hugely compassionate and connected to people.

so the first thing for me to do is change my expectations. this isn't easy. it takes so much retraining and releasing of ideas. but if i focus my attention on all the love that is in me. if i focus my attention on the good that comes from within, it feels less difficult. and i start to find that i'm not working towards an end as much as realizing i'm right where i should be.

smoke

I am ready for whatever this cloud is above us to dissipate. I am ready for a turn. I've been thinking about the power of our own doing. Our own creating and desiring. I am not really sure why I have fought off depression more this year than I have before. I think part of it is stemmed in a sense of disappointment. We hold onto things so tightly and take so much for granted. Ten years ago I would never have known or seen in myself the things that I love in me today. But even after finding those things in me, sometimes I get lost. I forget. Today a friend of mine sent me a message asking if I was okay. She had detected from my statements on Facebook that perhaps my shoulders felt heavy. And in an exchange of text messages I was able to very simply identify the root of my exhaustion. The deep "why" is that I'm not taking care of myself as I should, and it feels like I don't know where to start. And she suggested I start with paying attention to my breath. That is something I can do. So when I am starting to get scared or overwhelmed with the load of life, I will remember to breathe. I'll try to.

And the cloud will dissipate. Perhaps I'll just blow it away.

On an additional note: can you find the man in this picture? His work is brilliant.

More here.

an older man

he told me something wise. he told me life always has tensions and releases. i've been wound up in a ball for a few weeks and i'm looking forward to a release. a full release. i need a shock or explosion to do it. something unexpectedly intense that reminds me of the very second i'm living in, and nothing more.

i love those moments. the most vivid one i can remember happened in Chicago about 7 or 8 years ago. i ran into lake michigan in february. the air temp was 7 and the water temp was 32. i did it on a dare, and i had no idea it would clear my head the way it did. so i think today i'll ponder it a bit, and see what the answer might be. or just hope it happens. and disperses the cloud that has lingered for too long.

tension. release. tension. release.

musical heart

I'm hoping that some of the experiences of this week sink in deep and leave a lasting impression on my perspective. First of all, I am amazed over and over the lessons I am learning with my lover. This morning he showed me the grace of forgiveness. I have not realized how heavy guilt is. It can be the elephant in the room, you're carrying. For me it manifests itself in deep seeded self doubt. Right now I'm trying to wrap my head around my own self doubt. There are days, weeks, maybe even months that I feel confident and strong and relaxed about my life and the choices I am making. And other times I feel like everything I am doing is in question or flux.

My grandmother's dying words to me were "take care of yourself, you're the only one who can do that." I feel like every few weeks I understand that in a new way. The current interpretation is "love yourself, chill out, and have some faith that this relationship you're in is about each of you growing into new lessons." I didn't realize how hard it can be to hurt someone, to cause them stress and to know what you've done might cause some damage that needs to heal. But the toughest part of that for me is owning my behaviour and apologizing. I don't remember the last time I really said I'm sorry. But I had no idea how liberating it can be too. One thing I keep seeing in this relationship is a willingness on both of our parts to step forward and take on our own flaws as well as accept each other. It's kind of amazing what having a true partner can teach you about yourself. But the one we each get a little stronger at is accepting ourselves. So this week, in the spirit of loving and accepting myself, it has been a music week. So please enjoy a few items that have been part of my week.

Pixies concert - this is a fun animated video for my favorite song.

gerry at open mic

Perplexed.....

Fairies and the culture of people interested in them. Today I thought I would look at the latest blogger buzz. A new feature offered in the blogger.com world is change to the "NEXT BLOG" button above. It was initially designed to randomly introduce you to new blogs. However the newest modification is supposed to actually present blogs that may be of like mind or at least in the written in the same language as yours. Alas, I spent some time clicking this little button. And the strangest thing happened. I landed in fairy land. Six times in a row. Page after page after page.

I find this totally bizarre for a few reasons. First - why am I being directed to this type of blog. I don't have anything in my 6 or 7 posts so far that connect me to the land of magic. Second - what is this whole fascination with fairies really about??? I don't get it. This is something that has never been of interest or intrigue to me. That's not meant as a judgement. I also am not interested in learning about handgun cleaning, plant life in the 1800s or what is the largest amount of data that can be saved in the smallest space. But the thing is, there are like a bazillion people into fairies and the mystic culture that surrounds them.

So now...I am interested and annoyed by my level of interest. Ugh, not a fan of this stuff either..... Images Here

Monday Monday Monday Monday Still.

What a day. I'm fighting off sickness...I can feel it. On the stove sits a pot of onions, tomatoes, green chilis, black beans, and lots of spices. It's a new goal. Eat the food I have in my house. Every so often I get on a kick where I attempt to cook as many meals as I can using the food I already have. The contents are found between three cabinets and a freezer. Tonight begins this effort.

I started this at home, but am at the office now. It's 11:10pm. Listening to 3 men discuss categories for an iphone app we're working on. Kind of feel like too much time is being spent on an app that has no revenue stream defined, as opposed to the ones that do. I get pulled into these swampy mess of conversations that really lead to not much. I need organization rather than just the open dump of ideas. It's a strength and a weakness I guess. The strength....I get stuff done. The weakness....I might be a dream crusher. I mean, I imagine great ideas come from these types of settings. But a little skeptical voice in my head says (in a Woody Allen voice) "do these people really think they have an idea that is golden."

There is one guy who keeps spitting out worthy ideas so perhaps I should just keep my notes and in the end, keep them organized.

I did read a few blogs and and found these pictures. I really love them.

My Media Discoveries of Today

My world is changing. This may sound a bit over the top, but I think having internet at home may make me a more sane person. Perhaps. It happened yesterday that I walked into the age of 2003 where people get connected as a norm. I am sometimes behind, and yet I usually catch up quickly. I have been reading so many different blogs lately and am amazed at the layers of ideas and thoughts and puzzle pieces that are spread wide. Today's discoveries: I like this woman's blog. I like how she writes about her thoughts and life and I can't help but get a tinge of...wow, I want to be like that....

I also came across this very fabulous music website. Enjoying a live Lou Reed performance as I type, and looking forward to learning more.

And finally: I found this lovely little video. Love it.

a cloud that sits for too long

so it's absolutely amazing to me how intense everything can feel. the last 9 months have been full of so many waves. i keep thinking about choices and what i am choosing. somewhere in my mind is a clear comprehension that every ounce of struggle and challenge i face is perpetuated by the things i bring into my life. work is insanely challenging right now. i love it but am afraid of what i am sacrificing in exchange for the opportunity. many times in life i've chosen to sacrifice the present for the dream of the future. oddly enough, it seldom pays off in the end. i mean, there are certainly good things that have come to me. but i wonder....what am i missing. i hate the idea that perhaps i am choosing complacency. but i would be lying if i were to say the question isn't lingering in my mind. there are a few things i really want in my life.

• quality time with the people i love
• to feel financially secure
• health insurance
• to believe in my work
• to create good projects
• to build relationships that manifest creative opportunity for visionaries (yes, rather lofty)
• to wake up feeling happy and excited
• to be honest with myself

i have noticed that when i put these things out into the world that i desire, i am rewarded with a path towards them. i just wish i were there already.

anything is possible...??

I can feel it.....it's coming. It's coming and it's big and it's going to be great. Or at least a big, great explosion.

twoosdaa

does living presently become a denial of truths? what i mean by this is when does focusing on the present serve as opportunity to ignore the frustrations of the past or allow for a clouded or naive view of the future. i suppose ultimately that the idea behind present living is that the past and future are only shadows of existence. the past has left and is found only in memories. and memories are subject to changes in perspective. the future is unpredictable. there are sometimes patterns that are recognizable but anything truly is possible. but today i have found myself pondering this over and over. spent several hours reading camus and watts last night. needless to say, they leave me in contemplations that are a bit unsettling.

of new creations

been thinking lots about how my own truth will reveal my own creations. today is the beginning of a new world of thoughts