it's been a strange many weeks for me though. i keep wondering when things are just going to feel normal again. work has been stressful. if one were to take a ride along the road here, they would likely feel nauseated from the curves, the high and the low points of the drive. my boyfriend has been distant lately too. we were on this great ride and hit a bump, and just can't seem to get back to our comfortable dance steps again. i feel lonely. my time with friends changed quite a bit over the last year and i have not spent as much time with them. and i quit doing yoga or being conscientious of my health. so all and all....it's been an off time for me.
but a lightbulb came on for me in the wee hours of the night on sunday. i found myself wondering... what is it i want. what is it that pushes me beyond the scattered wasteland of everyday mundane thoughts, into the imaginations and expectation of intensely living presently? (whew) perhaps this answer will sound trite, as it does to me, but i realized this: what i want is the excitement and fullness my own energy surging. to feel insanely alive and hopeful. before, i felt secure. i felt secure and connected to all things. i felt confident and strong about who i am. i felt unafraid of others and what they think of me. i felt like a woman who could walk into any moment without hesitation. and i felt hugely compassionate and connected to people.
so the first thing for me to do is change my expectations. this isn't easy. it takes so much retraining and releasing of ideas. but if i focus my attention on all the love that is in me. if i focus my attention on the good that comes from within, it feels less difficult. and i start to find that i'm not working towards an end as much as realizing i'm right where i should be.
